I am 26, very accomplished professionally but with barely no experience emotionally. I am social and have friends but when it comes to guys, I turn into a completely different person, I completely shut down and the more I like the guy, the more I shut down.
I went out with a guy three years, I was 23. He was the PERFECT match, match made in heaven literally in terms of background (families), social circles, education, values, etc. We really got along but as usual my shyness with guys pushed him away. To be more specific, in the three months we went out, I did not kiss him once. I was heart broken to say the least when we broke up. I hated myself for it, I blamed myself, I felt SOOO guilty for not breaking the ice.
As life dictates, eventually I moved on. I still had feelings for him but this is life. While I stayed single, he went out with many other girls. All very flirtatious and not afraid to “jump” on guys.
Well, recently, he came back to me and he said he wanted to try again. I was happy of course. I don’t think there is any guy in this world that is a more perfect match for me. Seriously. I come from a wealthy family and it is very important for me to find someone who knows me and my family because I don’t want someone to go out with me for my money, and it is easier in general when someone already knows my backgrounds. It avoids A LOT of issues.
Going back to the story, I went out with him for a few weeks and I was still shy and couldn’t break the ice. He was VERY nice though at the beginning, very sweet and thoughtful, and he implied several times that he was so happy to be with me. But then, I felt he was getting impatient so I wanted to talk to him, and I told him I felt something was going wrong. My point was to open up and talk about my fears and explain that I didn’t kiss him cause I have this shyness stopping and not because I didn’t like him. But he didn’t allow me to speak, as soon I started saying “it’s not really working well”, he thought I was breaking up and jumped to the opportunity (even though a day before he said we should travel together some day and that he was very happy to be with me, etc.). Well, when I said it wasn’t working well, he said I am right and that the vibe didn’t pass and we should “stay friends”. I cracked down here and fully opened up about my fears of getting close to guys and that it doesn’t mean I don’t like. I like him more than I liked anyone in my life but I just don’t know how to get close, and whoever guy I will find, will need to be patient with me. He said some things to make me feel better but did not insinuate we should try again. He said he started believing in “love at first sight”, and that the chemistry either exists or not. “Love at first sight” is just passion that dies out, it’s rational love that lasts and the only reason we didn’t have chemistry is because of my freak*ng shyness that I can’t get over!!! I feel VERY bad for losing my second chance with the perfect guy.
I don’t know what to do now. I made the wrong decision in trying to talk to him? I just wanted to show him the true me, show him I was just scared, and not that I didn’t like him. He just thought I was breaking up and took this opportunity to do it, when only a few days ago he was all excited about the relationship.
I know I like him more than anyone I ever liked, and I know myself – with time, I WILL open up. I don’t know what to do….
Answers & Comments
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i think you have serious issues because you are 26 and cant even kiss your boyfriend ????
we are men and we need sex and we need our girlfriends to kiss us and be ours , i think you need to get help because you are 26 years old and not a child , its not all about sex i agree with you but your not in a child relationship your un an adult relationship so sex is a major issue , and you wont even kiss him !!! all i can say is that if my girlfriend stoped haveing sex with me i would have to end it because im an adult and sex is very important to me in being close to my girlfriend
ps i think you are missing out on a closeness with your boyfriend , sex is amazing for the both of you and your mental health , which is why your mental health is seriously wrong ..
you need help - if i was you i would go to the doctors and see a psychiatrist about why you cant kiss or be close with men
Silly anna.
Dont go On looks.
Dont go on the Family basis.
You dont call this Love.
You call this a Crush.
You had a Crush on him.
Love is When your not afraid that The Guy would not Like you.
If he is willing to Say goodbye to you so soon...
You should know that he just liked you by your face.
See anna ... When you start being comfortabel with a guy in everyway thats when you knw a Guy took the Most time Out of his Life behind you to know you better to Stay on earth in front of you to Be with you and To listen to you.
waite for a Better person Comming along.
You have to spend the Rest of your Life with the Guy , you have to be comfortable with him, you will have to let yourself Out. Tell him the Real you, tell him what you hate what you like, Until then Try getting some Guy friends Who help you Build up the Strenth to talk to guys.
You're not the flirtatious type, so I'm guessing a kiss is not something you give casually...it means something special to you. If you don't feel that kind of closeness with this guy, you wouldn't kiss him, and that's fine, but that tells him where your relationship stands, at least by his definition...you're "friends".
He wants fireworks, you want a warm fireplace (which, quite frankly, is the kind of love that develops after years of being together, creating fireworks). For example, you say:
"He was the PERFECT match, match made in heaven literally in terms of background (families), social circles, education, values, etc."
...all of which are elements of an arranged marriage. Sounds more like a business contract than a passionate relationship.
"While I stayed single, he went out with many other girls. All very flirtatious and not afraid to “jump” on guys."
...First of all, he didn't marry them, so you both stayed single. He dated, you didn't...I assume by your own choice. Secondly..."jump on guys"?...I'm not sure of your terminology. I've heard the slang expression "jump your bones" used in reference to intercourse, so are you insinuating they were willing to have sex with the men they dated? My apology, if that's not the case. Just in case it is, though...kissing is not sex. It normally happens along the path, but it doesn't make it inevitable.
"We really got along"..."I know I like him more than anyone I ever liked"
...I don't see "love," I see that you're comfortable with him.
"As life dictates, eventually I moved on. I still had feelings for him but this is life."
...Life doesn't dictate affairs of the heart. If you love someone, you love him. If you like the person, you like him. Your feelings for him hadn't changed after the first break-up, as evidenced by the fact that you still didn't feel an overpowering urge to kiss him. Explaining to him was absolutely the right thing to do, despite the fact that it gave him an opportunity to explain to you his feelings about the relationship.
“'Love at first sight' is just passion that dies out, it’s rational love that lasts"
...*sigh* "Rational" and "love" so close in the same sentence. These two, though not mutually exclusive, don't normally occur simultaneously...because they originate in different parts of the brain. Love is not rational. Reason is not emotional. They co-exist and balance each other, but neither rules...or is dependent on...the other. Reason attempts to simplify, to set things to rules. Love is complicated and has no rules. Hang on a sec...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qybUFnY7Y8w
In case the link doesn't work, it's a YouTube video, called: OK Go - This Too Shall Pass - Rube Goldberg Machine version - Official
Anyway, love may seem like a simple concept, but making it work is even more complex than the process in this video. Love IS work!
What should you do? Live. Like who you want. Love who you want. Kiss when you feel the urge. You're 26 and there is time for all this...and if your feelings for this guy are stronger than I've assumed, there's nothing wrong with a third attempt.
I'm sorry but it is your fault. If you spent 3 years with the guy, you should have gotten much closer, like to the point of engagement, than just to crumble up in shyness. Talk to a psychiatrist or a Councillor, they can help you.