My ex husband and I met at 14, and had two kids together. 14 years later, I am a single mom and have been for two years. He became a firefighter and became ill with ptsd and alcoholism. We eventually separated but remained “friends with benefits” and tried to save our marriage. But, a few months in he wasn’t improving and I told him “we can’t just keep having sex and call our marriage good. You have to improve and you haven’t” and he took it hard. 9 months later I filed for divorce and that was the end. We’ve been divorced a year, and last night was one year since it was finalized. He was let go from his job due to his PTSD and behavior on calls and at the station. Last night, one of his FD buddies went to check on him and found him with a gunshot wound to the head and an empty bottle of whisky. I am so lost. My son who is 5 is absolutely broken, and my three year old daughter is so confused and does not understand death yet. I loved him then and I still did and do. It’s so hard dealing with mental health and I feel If maybe I hadn’t gone through with the divorce he would still be here. Rest easy KC. Watch over us always
Answers & Comments
Don't blame yourself because it's not your fault. He wasn't well and you both knew that..he should have gotten help even though there are times when that doesn't make a difference. No matter what he would have still done it.
I have a son who committed suicide. I got therapy and they kept telling me there was nothing I could do. He wasn't in his right mind only meds could have helped him but we didn't know there was anything wrong.
I'm sorry for your loss. Hope you and your family feel better soon.
Not your fault, he should have been seeking help all this time
He had major mental health problems. It is NOT your fault he killed himself. Get grief counseling and counseling for the kids now to deal with the death of their father.
I don't think you should. I think it was losing the job that really made it do it.
And that was his fault. His alcoholism prevented him from keeping his job.
josie,
your ex husband was mentally ill
The only possible way you could blame yourself for his suicide is if you convince yourself that you are somehow responsible for his mental illness, as well.
Bad Shlt happens to everybody. The true test of character is not how you fall down, but how you pick yourself up again.
It sounds like the man led a tough life. But he definitely had some good reasons to want to live, and to want to improve himself. So his suicide only makes sense if there was something severely wrong with him, mentally.
You could not fix him, no matter what you did or did not do. He needed help, but the help he needed would not have made a difference if HE wasn't motivated to seek help. He took the easy way out, and that had nothing to do with you. For whatever reason, he felt he was not strong enough to fix the problems that were plaguing him.
Those problems had nothing to do with you.
Yepppp, you f*ucked up. Your actions have consequences, and these consequences you just can’t take back. I wish I could assuage your guilt, but lying to you just isn’t the right thing to do. The reality is, you could have signed him up for counseling and therapy. You could have gotten him into AA, or even had him involuntarily committed. You could have convinced him to switch jobs. The bottom line is, you could have simply tried harder.
His inability to get along with himself is not your fault or responsibility in any way. I'm sorry that your family has been dealt this difficult blow. Married people commit suicide too. Who and how many people love someone rarely changes how a mentally ill person is thinking.
You should definitely not feel as if you were to blame, but it is perfectly natural to wonder what, if anything, you might have done or stopped doing that could have resulted in a different outcome. Such is the legacy of suicide victims on survivors who are closest to her/him. There is no answer and no way to alleviate that regret. A person who can't resist the temptation to take her/his own life seems to escape whatever drove that such a drastic action, but her/his survivors are left to wonder what role they played in this kind of tragedy based on extreme despair.
I’m so sorry for your loss, this is terrible. I’m saddened especially as your children will grow with only memories of their dad. Dear, don’t blame yourself at all. He had issues as we all do, and he couldn’t cope. You may think if you’d helped him more he’d still be here, but you had your children to be concerned about while he worked on himself. Cherish the memories, honor him, stay strong!
That’s awful. It’s also not your fault. You also suffered (and are still suffering) because of his demons. He was his own worst enemy. You weren’t his enemy at all.