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Children act out because they are angry, frustrated, or sad, and they do not have the words to express themselves. A 5 year old only knows about 1500 words. He just doesn't know the right words to get his message through to others. Abstract thoughts and feelings are hard for adults to describe and interpret, so imagine how confused your son must feel. Even though 2 years has passed since his mom died, there's still a lot to talk about. There are still a lot of triggers that make him recall what happened, and memories that wash over him that he can't cope with. That's where you come in. You have teach him different coping skills and let him choose the ones that work best for him.

Teaching your son to express himself through art or music will help him a lot when he's under stress. Instead of yelling and getting into trouble, he can pull out some silly putty to sculpt out how he feels, or he can have a special notebook and use crayons or markers to draw about why he's mad or sad. He can have a tambourine, bells, or small drum in his room to make noise and get all the frustration out. Maybe listen to a special mix CD with different song styles so he can pick the song that matches his mood. It's very therapeutic.

Other things you can try are a small pinwheel. Blowing on it to make it spin encourages deep breathing which is great for calming down. Squeezing a stress ball works for kids and adults. Also, giving your son a small mirror to hold so he can look at his face and recognize what he's feeling. Anger becomes more than a feeling. He can see what it looks like and he can see when other people are angry too and recognize the emotions of others! He'll become more empathetic towards his new step mom.

This poor little guy lost his mom when he was just three... no wonder he's screwed up. Did he have bereavement counselling? Do you talk to him about her, and look at photos, and cry together? The 2-year-old obviously won't remember, and the 9-year-old was old enough to understand, even though probably also devastated, but for a three-year-old his whole world will have fallen apart.

Maybe he feels that school is sending him away, and that you hate him, or maybe he thinks you're trying to replace his real mom. He will be worried that he might get home from school and find you not there.. he's traumatised, so of course he's acting up. What he needs is unconditional love, and respect, and empathy, and someone to listen.

He's probably finding it hard to adjust. Losing your mum at 3 must be a really hard thing to go through. And now he has to deal with a "New mum" in his life and he's struggling. It is perfectly understandable that he is feeling upset and acts out when you are not around.

I would advise not being to hard on him about his behaviour. You need to get him to come to terms with missing his mother and ease him into getting used to this new family dynamic. Forcing him into anything or having a go at him might just make the situation first. Give him time and be gentle.

As far as getting a 5 year old to obey you, have your fiancee try this:

Before you ask him to do something, completely block whatever he is doing at the moment (e.g. take hold of his toys, turn off the TV that he was watching, etc) and say "I need to tell you something." Then take his hands, get down to his level, and have him look at you. This way you know you have his full attention. Then, tell him "Thank you for listening to me. I'm going to ask you to do something. Now, you have two choices when I tell you what it is. 1) You can choose to do it nicely without arguing and then get to go right back to your toys/TV as soon as you are done, or 2) you can choose to argue about it, but you will still have to do it and then after you are done you DON'T get to go back to the toys/TV for a while, because arguing loses you that privilege. Do you understand your choices?" Have him tell you in his own words, or by repeating yours, what his choices are. THEN tell him "Ok. I'm glad you understand. Now, the thing I want you to do is ____. Remember your choices."

If he tries to interrupt you or talk back in the middle of you explaining this to him, just put your finger to your lips, shake your head, and calmly say "Oh... it's my turn to talk." Repeat this however often is necessary until he realizes you're not going to argue with him. Don't respond to whatever he has tried to say.

If he chooses not to argue, say "Oh, I'm so glad you made the choice to do it nicely instead of arguing! That's much nicer for both of us! Let's hurry and get it done so you can get right back to your toys/TV!" Praise him after he gets it done, and let him go right back to his toys/TV.

If he chooses to argue, don't respond to whatever argument he was trying to make, but instead say "Oh, I'm sorry that you chose to argue instead of do it nicely. I guess we will have to keep the TV off/put away these toys for a while." (Then turn off the TV/take away the toys). Then say "Ok, now remember, even if you argue you still have to do it. Let's go do it. You can do it by yourself or I will take your hands and make your hands do it. Your choice."

Then follow through on that. Most 5-year-olds HATE when they are physically guided to do something... they will pull away from you and yell at you. Then you can say, "Oh, well if you don't want me to help you, then you need to do it by yourself." And make sure he doesn't get to go back to the TV/toys for at least half an hour after he is done with the task... if he argues about this say "Sorry, you chose to argue, so you chose to not have the TV/toys for a while. This was your choice, not mine."

Spank your son.