We are going to be seeing an Out of state Aunt of my FH this weekend and we are sure to be peppered with the question of why we aren’t inviting her adult children. Our main purpose is numbers, and I have never met these children. We aren’t really big fans of the Aunt, but are inviting her out of respect for his Grandmother.
My FH wants to be completely honest with his aunt on the reason one of his cousins isn’t invited. Reason being that when she was given her grandmothers engagement ring which showed little wear due to her working on a farm and rarely wearing it, the cousin had the stones reset in a necklace. This angered both the Grandmother and my FH because had she not been given the ring, it would be my engagement ring.
(I am actually OK with not having that ring, though I would never tell my FH that, I am happy with my ring)
How do I STRESS to my FH that it is NOT ok to be that brutally honest with his aunt and it will be better to just say “Your children aren’t invited because we need to keep numbers under control”. I understand the upset that both his grandmother and he felt, and I know he wants the reason to be out in the open, but I really don’t think it is worth creating drama over. Any suggestions!
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Verified answer
Tell your FH that there's a time and place to address this, but your wedding isn't that time and place. His feelings are perfectly understandable, but it's never wise to use a wedding for other agendas (family reunion, memorial to deceased relatives, getting back at people you're pissed at, etc).
With the emotional drama surrounding most weddings, it's always best to keep things simple. Otherwise, decades-old family feuds get dragged into it, and you'll both be nutcases! So stick to numbers only and explain cuts had to be made. Mention one or two other cuts that were really tough. Then....politely ask the aunt to not bring this up again, because the discussion is over.
The stones in the grandma's e-ring issue is between grandma and the cousin who commandeered it for her own self interest..it is NOT up your FH to use the wedding to make a point or dole out punishment by refusing the cousin an invite. How petty of him.This case I agree....tell Auntie you had no choice but to keep the numbers down due to budget constrictions...anything else will start a Family feud besides you need to consider gently telling your FH that you would have prefered the ring you rather than Grandma's anyway...and THAT is the most important thing. Stress it's NOT a rejection of either him or his grandmother, just your preferance....that YOU got a ring you love.....IF he insists on being 'brutally honest' you definately tell him you prefer your e-ring to Grandma's, and as lovely as the gesture would have been in getting grandma's e-ring, you really would have wanted one of your very own or a different style setting and stone-grandma's e-ring just isn't your style, It should go to someone who wants it,and you would have been unhappy with it, since he feels brutal honestly is called for he needs to hear the truth as well...listen, if he can be 'brutally honest' he should be able to take having someone be brutally honest with him....right?
Then it's up to him if he causes a family stink over a ring you never really wanted in the first place...tell him that and see if he forges ahead with telling Auntie-sometimes one needs a dash of cold water in order to WAKE UP and see reason. he's not a delicate wee baby...he can handle it, believe me.
In other words the best way to explain to him about 'honest truth' is for YOU to tell him the honest truth about how YOU feel about grandma's ring...
"Well, Honey, if you INSIST on the honest truth, honestly I would have prefered the ring I did get and NOT Grandma's.....I want a ring of my very own, brand new and a style I like and Grandma's ring didn't 'do it' for me...sorry. So as you insist on being brutally honest with Auntie, I am being brutally honest with you after all that is what you want, right?...and now you will start a feud over a ring I would have prefered go to someone else in your family anyway."
I agree with you. Tell your FH it will not change a thing by speaking his mind about the ring issue. He can express his feelings after the wedding. Tell him how you feel about the ring, this may be the only way to make him stop and think before he talks to his aunt. Best Wishes.
There really is no point in him digging up that old drama, it just shows he's still angry about it. Seems like good time he get over it and forgive and forget. Even if that has something to do with these cousins not getting an invite, I'm sure it also comes down to numbers, so this wouldn't be lying.
LEt him say what he wants it is his aunt. To you me and prolly most ppl your right and the polite thing is to say its a number issue but if he wants to get this off his chest let him. It is your job as his wife to stand by him regardless how wrong you think he is.