I probably have the mental health as if I’m a crystal meth smoker and I’m punished by life for nothing. The mania is literally equivalent to ecstasy. Have my abusers basically killed me? My brain is basically like a druggies even though I’m sober and I wish I could overcome my fear of death and commit suicide. I don’t see any other solution.
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no your abusers have not won.
you have a battle to clean up your life, get medical treatment, get a job etc
So get on meds, then get on with your life.