I have been with my fiancé for a little over 3 years now. We have a two year old son, an apartment and a car together. When I was pregnant I had caught him almost about to cheat on me, and right after I had my son he did cheat on me. I broke up with him but took him back 2 months after. Things were good but the trust never truly came back and the fights proceeded. On top of that he gets in to a bad mood almost everyday and was constantly putting me down. On new years eve we had a couple of friends over and we had some drinks. Well we got into a fight and I got mad and went on to the porch, I stayed there for about an hour and finally walked out the door, everyone had left except for a friend of mine. I came back about 20 minutes later seeing neither of them in the living room or dining room. I then walked down the hall to see him in the bedroom with his pants down and her on the bed, also no pants. I was furious and did the same thing that any woman would do that found her friend of 8 years with a guy that she had a child with. Anyways, he claimed it was all her that did it and I kind of believed him, but later found out the real truth. I stayed with him. I know i sound like the biggest idiot and the answer is clear but things aren't all bad otherwise I wouldn't be torn on what to do, there are a lot of good memories and things he has done. I am torn because of what this will do to my family and more importantly my son. I dont feel comfortable with his family being around my son because they don't have the best, if any, morals and all of them do some kind of drug, and I like to be around to make sure they don't do anything around him, or let him get away with whatever. If we split up I will never be around to monitor these things. I do love this man but now another guy has came along that is showing interest. This guy has a house, he is a manger in one of the departments I work in, he is a single parent, shares same interests as me, and is really sweet. I am taking a chance being with someone that is untrustworthy anyway, should I take a shot at someone new? Please no negative comments, and cheating is not an option in my book.
Serious answers please, I really need help and don't really have any friends to turn to anymore
Update:I was not mentioning that he was a manager because of the money, it was more on the fact that he is mature and has stability in his life. I am not concerned about the money, I have a job and can do good on my own. I see where all of you are coming from though to not jump into dating as I have thought this myself, I think I just see it as a silver lining maybe? Like why be with him and take a chance when I can take a chance with someone else, like there actually are better options for me?
Answers & Comments
Verified answer
This issue isn't about a "new better option" comming along at all. It is about your current situation being grossly unhealthy, disrespectful in every way possible, and ultimately your child will see and accept this behavior as "normal". You deserve better, as does your child.
I would not advise planning to run from this to the possible arms of some else (particularly Not if his material or financial solvency is even a factor on your radar!)
You need to dissolve this relationship for your self esteem, your dignity, health & your Child.
And only after being comfortable on your own and settled & independent- do you take the leap into the dating pool. Dating someone, is based on everything EXCEPT- what kind of car they drive, or the square footage of their home. It sounds like that's the thought process here- And if so- This has Really Done a Number in your Self Esteem & Dignity- you may want to consider getting counseling for that before dumping that baggage on a New Relationship. This situation, has been so emotionally damaging and deceitfully abusive, disrespectful, and self esteem robbing- Honey, I hope you do go talk to someone and heal. There are ways in which this has damaged you that will take a while to even manifest after out of it. For the health & longevity of both you & the next relationship you are in: Address & Resolve this first, independently- so none of the insidious poison from this seeps in and taints your next relationship. ?I cannot count the ways I would be "Damaged" by finding my husband/fiancé- screwing my best friend- under any circumstances, but in my home- while I was present....cannot fathom the trust, insecurity, fear, anger, rage "issues" that would go in the big backpack of life from that. (?was this man a drug addict? This is just inconceivable to me.)
So: my ardent advice, Clearly- you are affected and unwell by this, I can't fathom the notion that this has desensitized you to a place where there is Normality, in the thought process of leaving him- and going straight to another man you do not know well, with the intent of moving in his home fairly soon- That's not rational- You have been deeply ?Stunned or currently stunted from this traumatic relationship.
Please- seek therapy and independence first. Find your baseline, and be comfortable being with yourself, before you leap in another relationship. From the timing you describe of your current relationship- you became engaged, and fairly immediately got pregnant. So this behavior has been affecting you for? 2-3 years. You are far far too traumatized & in shock- to not leave & heal, and be Good To You, before attempting any new man in your life- without Carrying these hurts, damage, and issues into that one too.
I Wish you peace and rest, and a cozy place of your own to Breath Deeply without this emotional abusive crushing presence- in your life. Heal little mama- and be good to yourself.
You know the answer is clear, but I'll just say it anyway: leave him. At this point you're basically waiting for him to do it again, so why put yourself through it? The relationship is over, and you need to leave. Your son will not be happy growing up in a family that is already torn apart, and he may not understand now, but in the future it will become simple to learn.
As for this new man, I wouldn't go for it. You're in a very vulnerable place in your life right now, and getting involved with another man so quickly after leaving you're fiance will only leave you with two messy break ups to deal with. If he asks you out, tell him you are interested but need some time to deal with your life. You may realize you only like him because he has stability, which after time won't be enough to maintain a real relationship. Right now, you need to find a place to go and settle down there. You need to give your son as much love and attention as you possibly can at this time, because this will be hard on him.
Feathering your next nest while still occupying your current one is not good. Really. But it is good that you have noticed that not all men are like your baby's daddy. Who you are not married to and aren't likely to wed.
Interesting that you know your baby's daddy's family are immoral deceitful people who you don't want your kid around but you think that his lying, cheating, unkind and immature daddy is just fine as the leading male influence.
Yeah. It's good you are looking around I guess but can you get a place of your own between men?
It's hard when you care about somebody so much you want to forgive them for anything. But you already answered yourself...this other guy is nice and your man isn't. You deserve to be with someone who is going to treat you like you deserve all the time not just when it suits them. Don't ever settle, you don't have to.
Everybody deserves to be happy.