M (22) was hanging out with my gf (29) today watching a movie when her iwatch buzzed (text message) I asked who would be texting her at 8 o clock on a Thursday, she said “oh no one” that was a red flag so I pressed the issue, “who texted you Carly”? She said just my friend Tom “long story short he has been texting me for a while about his divorce, I think he needs someone to talk to” so I said wait what do you mean “long story short”? Why haven’t I heard about this up until now? She said he’s just a friend who lives 6 hours away you have nothing to worry about. I said wait so if he lived 5 minutes away instead of 6 hours would things be different? Then she made it out to seem like I won’t allow her to have male friends, which isn’t the case, she’s told me about her male friends, I’ve just never heard of Tom, I told her I don’t like her involved with someone else’s marriage and what if toms wife (Jamie) messages my girlfriend telling her to mind her own own business, I just don’t like the situation at all.
Is my girlfriend “bs’ing” me? Or am I just being over protective?
Answers & Comments
I think you half to allow her to choose her friends. And not get bent out of shape when they are men.
I have a life time experience with cheaters, from the time I was 10 up until now (my dad cheated many times on my mom, my aunt cheated on her husband, my ex cheated on me with a mutual friend etc), its safe to say I have an insight into these types of situations.
I want to start with the "oh no one" comment she made when you asked who texted her, because to me that's incredibly concerning that something may be going on between them! If it was just friendship, she would have just said something along the lines of "one of my friends tom", there wouldn't have been the need to be evasive about it. The fact she said "oh no one", it means she doesn't want you to know who was texting her which implies she has something to hide!
Deflecting/shifting the blame is a classic symptom of cheating, she is trying to make you out to be the bad guy so she doesn't have to focus on her own actions. My dad tried that trick on my mom all the time when he was caught cheating, he made it out to be her fault for him having sex with other women, seems your girlfriend is pulling that exact same defense mechanism on you.
I don't think she and this other guy have actually met up given that he's 6 hours away, so, its clear to me they haven't had any sexual contact with each other. Do I think she will travel 6 hours to meet him? Maybe, depends on how "deep" things get between them". Do I think if they were in the same room together alone that sex would transpire? I think there is a good chance that would happen. I think they are having an emotional affair, confiding in each other about very intimate things, potentially they are sharing sexual images of the other, they may be having phone sex when your not around etc.
You can give her the "him or me" speech and I wouldn't blame you if you did, however I don't think she would choose you over him to be honest! She already knows that it upsets you that she's chatting with a married guy, knowing that she still does, and even worse, she's blaming you for having a valid issue with it. I think if you were to say "him or me" she would tell you she won't end whatever it is she has going on with Tom.
If it were me in your shoes, I would break up with her 100%! I don't have an issue with my partner being friends with guys, but I wouldn't stick around to deal with her having an emotional affair, nor would I stick around to hear her justifications for it, I would just end it real quick/real fast with her.
Wow, so basically you go into jealous paranoid interrogator mode if your girlfriend's iWatch buzzes? Once? Early in the evening?
No wonder she chose not to tell you about her friend texting her about his divorce.
You're acting like she was hiding out in the bathroom sexting her lover for hours after midnight while you were asleep in your bed. I mean, seriously? 'Who would be texting her at 8 o clock on a Thursday'? What kind of question is that? Do you also demand to be told who texts her at 10 AM on a Tuesday or at 2 in the afternoon on a Saturday? What on earth is so ominous about a text at EIGHT, on a THURSDAY?
You know what, maybe there IS something going on. But if there is, it's probably because she really needs to be with the kind of man who doesn't give her the third degree just because her watch buzzes once.
Have a f1ckin back bone man. Of course you dont want her having male friends. Why are you just accepting something that you arent okay with? She wouldnt be okay with you having female friends.
Seriously dude put your foot down with this one.
Tell you what dude; find you some female friends and f1ck them. Maybe even take them on as second girlfriends.
Married man talking to your woman about his soon divorce is never a good thing. Plus God hates divorce. Some people are so differmt today. Like still being close friends with their exes and what not even while they're in another relationship. I don't get how some people think today.
I’m a girl so I can tell you rn something is up. It might have happened already, or not. idk how close your guy’s relationship is but just make it clear to her that you’re not comfortable with it and then it’s all her from that point . If she continues to try and make it seem like it’s friendly and making excuses well ... if not, then she respects your decision and will stop talking to this married guy
Ehh...down right in the middle?
I get why you would be concerned about Tom and I think you do deserve to at least know that this person Tom exist. But at least understand that she may actually trying is to be a good friend to help out this person. Just make sure you let her know that you're not comfortable with her talking to this dude. Establishing boundaries is important.