I just had my 30th birthday and I´ve been going through a crisis. I feel like I failed because I never got married or had children, and I still don´t know what career I was meant to do or want to do.
I´m overwhelmed by how much of my life I wasted and I´m scared that it´s too late for a lot of things.
Right now, I´m in Spain, studying to teach English as a Foreign Language. I love it here in Spain and I love to travel, and I´ve always wanted to teach EFL. I´m nowhere nearly ready to be tied down to a husband and a family, and a lot of things aren´t out of my system. I feel like I should have done all this in my early 20s, and that now the time to do all those things passed me by. I don´t know how to deal with this.
I worry about my future a lot. I´m really looking forward to teaching English abroad, but I am not 100% sure that it´s something I want to do until I´m 80.
I´m worried that there is some career that would have been perfect for me, but Í have no idea what it is and I´m so scared that it´s too late to pursue it.
I´m worried that I´m running out of time to have children and have a career. Is it too late to change careers if you have children (without having to wait until they´re grown)? On the other hand, if I had an epiphany and realized the perfect career, assuming it wasn´t too late, I am afraid that by the time I got established in it, I´d be too old to have kids.
I´d give anything to be 20 or 21 again. There are so many things I haven´t done yet... I just arrived in Spain a couple days ago but it´s something I had wanted to do since I was 2 years old. I studied abroad in Mexico when I was 23. But it´s just not out of my system. I feel self conscious and a little guilty because I feel like my opportunity to travel, have adventures, and see the world was my 20s and it passed me by.
I don´t know where I´m going to wind up teaching English but that´s part of the excitement. I realize I was lucky to be able to live in Mexico, but there are a lot of other things that I didn´t do in my 20s because of lack of money and opportunity. I love it here in Spain but I literally risked my life to get here.
I want to be happy and enjoy my time here, and my EFL career, and I´ll regret it if I waste my time worrying. But, I´m really worried that my life has passed me by and that if I want to change careers later, it will be too late for me.
How do you deal with these feelings?
Answers & Comments
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When you're 40, you'll wish you were 30 again. When you're 50, you'll wish you were 40. I may be mistaken, but I think your main problem is that you've totally bought into the image of what a "success" really is.
I'm in marketing. Marketers project images onto the world that we hope people fall for, because we usually make money off you when you do so. Yup, you've fallen for it! Forget about satisfying someone else's idea if what it means to be a success. You are not "supposed" to have children or even a career by the time you're 30 unless that's what you really want. You shouldn't have kids just because you think they'll make you appear to be successful. That's unhealthy for you and unhealthy for the children. Have kids because you want to give the gift of life, not because you're getting older.
As long as you're not breaking any laws, do what makes you happy and to hell with the rest of the world and their image of what success is. Those people are miserable; constantly trying to fit yourself into that mold is exhausting and pointless.
You've hit 30 and you've realized that you're no longer in your 20s, but that's nothing to be unhappy about. Hell, I was miserable when I was in my 20s! There's an old saying that "life begins at 40" and when you get closer to that age, you'll know what that means.
I have considerably more knowledge than I had when I was younger. I am more at peace now. But again and finally, stop buying into "the image." Those who fall for it tend to be unaccomplished losers anyway who are of mediocre intelligence. They lack the insight to know that they're just being manipulated by marketers and the images that we project. Be the unique person that you were meant to be, enjoy the time you have here and stop trying to keep up with the "Joneses". Best of luck to you.
My background: I'm almost 68. I married at 29 and had a fair 18 year marriage. I have 2 daughters and 4 grandchildren and live (by invitation) with one of the daughters and two of the children. I have always been into the arts, but I worked in government for 29 years. But I did my art (writing and watercolor painting) on my off hours and sold a lot of paintings and worked professionally some as a writer.
Me, I'd love to be 30 again, knowing what I know now! You learn a lot through the years.
30 is not old, hardly. People live longer now with better medical care. Just take care of yourself. Worse case scenario: adoption as a last resort. Children are an adventure in themselves. I count being a father and grandfather now as one of my life's most meaningful and moving experiences.
Eat well and exercise and don't stress too much.
Now, if a guy doesn't come along that interests you within the next 5 years, I would try eHarmony or similar. Take matters into your own hands and don't relay on chance.
Part of your conflict is in how you think of marriage--"tying you down." Marriage can be freeing too, if you choose a mate well. And if each of you work hard at support the other one.
But I think it is important to do what you really want to do. If there are sacrifices, so be it, but know what you are doing with each major decision.
Spain sounds exciting. Most places in Europe do to me. I think of painting there.
And I wouldn't worry: Love makes a place for itself, if you let it.
I say keep on the way you're going but be open to romance.
Realize too, you haven't wasted your life. You've learned, and enjoyed, and matured. Time well spent. Actually, it's very hard to waste life. Some don't do that even in prison. But it's fairly easy to feel that you've wasted it. Don't believe it!
Best wishes.
Hi, first of all here's a *hug*
Sometimes things can really get to us and really torture us inside.
I just want to tell you that it is never too late. I've seen very old people at my college, and Im talking in their 70's, yes I've seen it. And its so amazing. I mean, they are so old and they know that they dont have much time left, but they are living their dream because thats what they desire.
I want to tell you that it is not too late to do things. I want to congratulate you for pursuing a career. Teaching is a wonderful path! Everyone who wants to be a teacher has to study and get qualified, and you are doing just that right now. What you are doing is preparing for a better future. Even if you decide to change your mind a bit later on, at least you will have something to hold on to, at least you will have some teachign qualification that will get you a job in the mean time.
Its never too late to pursue your dream.
As for relationsihps, are you dating/seeing anyone? Perhaps if you are, then that would maybe decrease your fear about getting married? (bc you'd really like/love that person). I just want to leave with you however, that if you are not ready for something (ie. marriage), then you should NOT force yourself into it or feel pressured because YOU are the one who will have to take on that responsibility, live that life, and experience everything. If you feel that you are not ready, but yet you do it becuase you are being forced/pressure, how will this end up being a good thing in the long run?
I'd say take it lighter. Its never too late. I feel you, I do. But its never too late. Try to accomplish your degree with the teaching, find a job, change the lives of children, find some value in that, and lets see what comes after that. It seems like you need to feel secured about yourself first before you can go on and do something involving others, like having a husband, kids, family. And that is totally understandable, i think that is a feeling most of us get.
Also, there is not a cut of point where one has to 'stop' having fun and living the life!!!! People can be 60 and feel like they are 20. You are still young though!! I mean, its not like you are in your 40's or 50's or anything. You are at an age where you have blossomed into a lovely lady and you should strut your stuff!
Good luck!
You could just relax, do some yoga and meditation which will enhance your energy and make you feel much younger like a teenager. Since you are 30, it`s a perfect age to have a family. I know countless people who have had family in their 30s. So, please don`t let yourself down. It is important you understand that time is only relative to the mind and the soul. And, age is just a number that keeps going forward. I still miss my teenage years, since i never felt how it could feel when i hit 20s. I still have the same feelings like you. But such feelings should not cloud your judgment at any time. I`m sure you will be happy with a family like all others very very soon. 30 is really not old nor too young. But the age of a perfect mature adult. And from the way you communicated in the question, i strongly feel that you have something in you that impresses people. I bet there are lots of guys who feel just the same you feel. So, always be cheerful! :)
god bless you.
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I am answering your question with questions, and I apologize for it.
Don't you feel lucky that you have the chance to see other parts of
the world outside of America?
I realize more than luck landed you in spots of the world
many of us have never seen. Millions and millions of people
have not traveled or lived in other places outside of the 50.
If I were you, I'd be enjoying myself as much as I could.
Spain I understand is a bit different from Mexico in culture.
I'll ask unequivocally: How did you waste your life by not getting
married or by not having children? I know why. It's because
adult *single* women are a real minority, more of a minority
than any other. People who boast or brag about their
married lives don't talk about the parts of their lives which
are really undesirable. A lot look at being settled down as
a big club everyone should join.
Think of Adriana Sklenerikova, if you want a person of the
world to compare with. She was a VS model and could have
dated anyone. She is from the Baltic Republic(may
correct me on that)but she chose to live where you live
now. At the time she was not a teenager, and decided to settle
down and live in Spain. As far as I know, the model is still
married to the soccer player she met before she retired.
You can see her choices of who or what she might
do were varied because of her career. Your own choice
about a lifestyle is probably easier though,
since you have a private life. You did not say you
worked for the government.
You say yourself you risked your life and probably a lot more
to go to Spain. People who live in the United States, myself
included, don't realize how easy we have it in terms of
laws and conduct. We get away with everything. You
are in another place, and you are only 30. You have
a chance to experience a different world. You can
make friends, date, do whatever you want to do. You
sound like an honest and responsible person. Enjoy
yourself, since you must know your surroundings well.
..
Regret is a typical human feeling. However, I guess you should look it from other perspective, what have you gained from this experience? Well, thus far you have traveled and seen other parts of the world, you have lived in different places and cultures. Concerning the issue of maternity, I guess it would be better to look for ways to have a child, if you want it...adoption or maybe settling down, you may have to choice...do you want to stay in Spain and look also for someone to care for? is that feasible? If not, then maybe you should consider staying in your place, settling down...what are you passionate about? what are you good at? who knows maybe Spain will give you some answers... I hope you find your way. Sometimes, it works if you look for evidence to support your own feelings, most of them do not have basis or are an exagerated idea, maybe there is more of a good side to it than what it seems. So, try to challenge your feelings, and do not think you have wasted your life, because you have seen more world than the average person... and therefore, you are more enlightened in a way,.
Happy Birth day!
A new wonderful age has just started, and I hope you
enjoy every single minute of it.
I'm 33 if it makes you feel better and not married. Still
working toward my career and think I must appreciate
the time I have to read and watch movies and taste the
life in full.
We're going to have a family too.
Just relax, move toward your career and be open to love,
since, it happens!
You must decide on what you want and go for it. Period. Worrying, living in the past and trying to live up to some kind of standard are all wastes of time. It sounds like you're running in circles. I've been there and done that.
It's never too late. You are in the prime of your life. You are younger than Madonna, Angelina Jolie or Michelle Obama. Explore all of the possibilities and make the best choices you can. That's all anyone can do.
On my 30th birthday, a woman told me. This means that all of your decisions. Are now your fault, no one else's.
Not to be takin in a negative connotation.