My ex and I met back in Oct. 2019. We instantly reconnected (teenage sweethearts) and quickly got into a relationship.
It was great but I had a drinking problem. I winded up getting blackout and sleeping with a guy at the bar. This destroyed my Ex and I’s relationship. He broke up with me but we rekindled with boundaries that neither of us followed.
There was more drinking and him constantly blaming and belittling me. 4th of July caused a huge breakup where I left the country to get sober. Upon returning, he and I hooked up numerous times with him stringing me along, verbally and mentally abusing me, and constantly telling me he’s not ready for a relationship and especially not with me.
I blocked him eventually but he messaged me. We met up and hooked up. I was so angry at him and myself and he winded up leaving. Until I texted him, and suddenly his whole demeanor switched. After 2 months of berating me, insulting me, and blaming me, he suddenly switched up.
I picked him up and he was literally crying about how bad he felt about his behavior towards me, that he played a huge part in the relationships downfall, and he had a lot of blame to put on himself. He was visibly crying and upset.
We hooked up after this and he was a completely different person. He said he’s not ready now and don’t know when he will be, but he loves me and wants contact. THIS IS A COMPLETE 180. He said he won’t give up on me but needs to help himself? PLEASE HELP. IS THIS MANIPULATION?!
Answers & Comments
If you think you have strong feelings for him, the only possible way this will succeed is for each of you to work on your own issues before even attempting to have a healthy, happy relationship. Both of you have major serious issues and the pattern that's been set of drinking and hooking up has seriously damaged your odds.
You ask if he's manipulating you, but it doesn't even matter. He says he needs to work on himself, and this is true, but words are cheap. This is the statement he should be making when he tells you he's breaking off all contact while he does it. You can't take him seriously if he still wants to hook up. And all of this applies to you. You didn't say whether you still drink, but I'm guessing you do. This hardly makes you a bad person, but you need some serious help yourself. You can't go through life drinking and hooking up numb your feelings or pain. Well, you can, but I guarantee this isn't what you want for yourself.
You both have things you need to work on. For one i hope that your drinking is under control now i know that's not something that's easy to quit it's nothing to pick up the bottle for and put it back down for some people but it's everything to those who get addicted in fact it's one of the hardest things they'll ever do in their whole entire life. If that's not something that's being worked on i would definitely say you should work at staying sober there's so many benefits to it and the only benefit to drinking is you're drunk for awhile but the rest after that is all negative side effects. For two i don't think he understands that when we get hurt or cheated on those emotions that come from it come in waves that's why one day we might feel okay, or good, or we might even feel better than we've ever been we think we're completely okay. THEN something happens it could be the smallest trigger ever and suddenly it's like we're back to square one and i can tell from how you described it that he's at that point where he's very mean and lashes out when he's reminded of the past. I do think he's taking advantage of the situation a little bit because he knows that you won't turn him down. I do think he's being kind of being manipulative but i also think he's definitely still hurting. Im not sure what you guys want to do to work it out but don't let him or anyone take advantage of you and don't think that you deserve for him to manipulate you just because you messed up in the past. Hope this helps and good luck.
Deal with that drinking.......for YOUR sake
Admit it as your problem....not anyone else’s
AA could well be the support you need.
THEN try to build any relationship
It sounds more like confusion and uncertainty than manipulation. Sounds like there are feelings there but it sounds like too much drinking and hooking up for either of you to take this too seriously because it sounds more like a fwb relationship off again on again. I recommend getting therapy before pursuing a relationship with him or anyone else. If you or him don't have the right mindset going in to this, it won't work!
Go where? BOTH of you need to work on yourselves before either of you attempt to get into a relationship with anyone. Both of you have deeper issues. As a teenager, if you are an alcoholic and are having sex with people you either don't know or who have been mean to you, then you are desperately seeking some kind of fix for a deeper issue. Get help for that deeper issue and well as the drinking.
When people have be horrible to each other, the next steps in repairing the relationship aren't jumping back in or into bed. It is established what each person needs to do to demonstrate that they have changed and see the error of their ways. This often requires each person to get counseling or be in a support group or get clean from an addiction or stay employed or stay out of other people's beds. If the two of you WANT to try to make it work, then work on yourself and work on the behaviors each of you need to change to demonstrate you want repeat the same pattern.
If too much pain has happened to repair the relationship and or one or the other of you is unwilling to make the changes necessary, then say good-bye, wish each other happiness in the future, grieve the loss, and move on.
You need to get into therapy because you keep making the same mistakes over and over. This guy also has issues, perhaps is even bipolar. You two are seriously not good for one another. To seek a relationship with someone who is emotionally unstable is asking for trouble...he clearly is playing with your emotions and you are allowing this behavior to continue. If you really want to be in a decent relationship, you are going to have to let go of this person permanently...otherwise you are just subjecting yourself to more heartache and misery.