About a year ago my boyfriend asked both of my parents “permission” to marry me. I put it in quotes because technically speaking I do not need their permission. I am 24
and do not have any religious obligations to it. It was just supposed to be sweet seeing my parents are divorced I wanted them to both feel included. My Dad said of course, but my mother said no. I would like to stipulate my mother has some mental health problems undiagnosed but most likely borderline personality disorder or a issue similar. Her “reasons” for saying no were that we are too young, don’t live away from our parents yet( we are both in grad school full time and live in my dads in law apartment), and she suggested he give me a promise ring( we have been dating 5 years he gave me one our sophomore year of undergrad). I cannot believe I am asking a Internet forum about this but I am getting desperate. I am so angry at my mother and cannot seem to let these feelings go. By the way she responded to my boyfriend in a email when he asked her in person. I want to just tell her we are going to do it anyways but I am so scared. I also don’t know how to let go of this anger. I am seeing a therapist but I am so lost and lately can’t seem to focus on anything else. It’s really taking a tole on me. Any help would be great.
Answers & Comments
Don't invite mommy to the wedding. That'll teach her!
I can't believe that you are asking here either. As a real adult would know that, at best you are only going to listen to what you want to believe. The only reason I could see for you to ask here is if you really aren't as committed to him as he is to you. Be honest and stop looking to others for a decision that is all yours.
Time you grew up and realised that not everyone will be on your side. You are still looking for your Mothers love and she is unable to give it as she has problems. You need to step aside from her and toughen up. Just how much love do you need? You have a loving boyfriend and Father that is more than a lot of people have. You don't need therapy, you need to get a life.
If you have a question, ask it
What, exactly, are you scared of? Do you think she's going to try to harm one or both of you in some way?
If so, just proceed with your lives without consulting her in any way. If not, step up to the plate, act like an adult, and say, "I wanted to let you know that John and I will be married regardless of your views. I'm sorry you don't feel you can give us your blessing, but we are adults; it is for us, not you, to make this decision."
And then move forward.
If you're seeing a therapist, it doesn't seem to be doing you much good, because you really shouldn't be so upset about this. I have to ask you to consider that perhaps you ARE rather immature for marriage, if you cannot make a firm decision without falling apart over your mother's opinion.
But are you able to support yourselves? Do you have funding from your graduate programs? Are you capable of moving into your own place? (Not that living in your Dad's in-law apartment is all that bad while you're still grad students, but greater independence would be preferable.)
Talk all this over with your therapist, because you don't sound all that firm and certain about your decision to me. But if you are, then as I said, just tell your mother that she doesn't run your life, you do, and only YOU will decide when you marry.
By the way, the word is "toll," not "tole". I'm a little concerned about your writing in general since I teach grad students and expect them to have mastered English grammar, punctuation, spelling, syntax, and vocabulary by before graduating from high school.
You young people today are pitiful. Who the heck cares what she thinks, you are 24 and an adult. You may be old enough to marry but hardly mature enough. If I was your fiancee I would run.