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One thing you said struck me, and that was your fiance asking you to talk to her. I understand why he might want that, and I understand even more why you'd want to try help fix this, but the problem isn't yours to solve. Her mom isn't part of this, either. It's strictly between her and her dad.

If he talks to her, one thing he could start with is her mom's comment that obviously you or your fiance "has done something wrong". I can see why she didn't get specific on this, but it does sound like she's sending a big clue your way and there's resentment over a certain incident or issue.. If this is possible, your fiance needs to tell her that part of becoming an adult is working through conflicts with people you love. She needs to be honest and tell him what is really going on.

What always fascinates me about questions like this is I end up agreeing with almost everybody, but nobody is saying the same thing. I guess we just pull from our own experience.

What struck me most is this issue of her not knowing anybody at the wedding. How is this even possible? My dad got married 6 months after my mom died and I knew almost everyone there, including my stepmom's side.

More importantly, though, is your rigidity on her bringing a friend. There are questions in here all the time from adults who are worried about not knowing anyone at a wedding. For a 16 year old, it's probably terrifying. There has to be a way to include an emergency guest somehow, and you need to do whatever it takes.

I think her dad needs to explain that this is something she has to attend, but then point out you've rearranged things so she can bring a friend, or even 2. That's a very fair give and take.

Is the girls mother possibly behind her decision? We all know women who, even though they may no longer want the ex, can't stand to see their former partner happy and use their children as pawns. If this is the case there probably isn't much you can do at this point.

Although you say there's no way for her to bring a guest at this late date if I were in your position I'd move heaven and earth to find a way. Aye even two guests. Again, I can only tell you what I would do based on the information you're given. The next thing I would do is talk to her one last time on neutral territory. Leave your son at home. These are the things I'd discuss with her:

1) she doesn't much like you. Ok you can live with that BUT for the sake of her father and brother (always refer to him as brother never as half brother) you'd like to have a cordial relationship. You aren't trying to replace her mother, would never try and even if you did you fail because her mom has done an awesome job - don't lay it on too thick.

2) let Princess know that you'll be disappointed if she chooses not to come but the person she'll hurt the most is her father who you know she loves. Years from now when her brother looks at your wedding pictures and asks why she isn't in any of them what will her answer be? Explain you don't expect or want an answer right now but it will be her responsibility to give her brother an answer if he ever asks.

3) point blank ask her if she's afraid of disappointing her mom if she attends and has a good time. If she gets defensive you have your answer.

4) before leaving remind her she's pretty much an adult and her choices and decisions are hers along with the resulting consequences. Her dad will never ever stop loving her even if she chooses not to attend. He'll be hurt and disappointed but as adults we all have to make decisions that won't always make everyone happy. Give her a nonjudgmental look and walk away. Do not look back. It's now all on her.

If you go this route you have to remain calm at all times no matter what she might say. Remember to use "I" statements....What I hear you saying is......I feel the problem may actually be.....

She's 16. She may be just acting like a brat, her mother may be manipulating her or she may just flat out be confuse do. Try one last time but et her understand that her choice is hers alone and the two of you will respect it.

If her father tries to talk to her she may feel pressured or guilted into saying yes then get angry.

This is what I would do if I were in your situation.

If she's not amenable to coming to the wedding, don't push her. Simply have your fiance speak to her again, and impress upon her that it's important to him that she's there to share in his day. If she still says no, there's no way to force her to be there. You both know her justifications are BS - there's no one at the wedding she's going to know? Like, you've not invited any grandparents, or cousins, or extended family she knows? She's never met any of your friends? She's being 16, and kind of snotty, and there's not much to be done about that.

Enjoy your day. Have a happy wedding, and celebrate with the people you're closest too. Chances are, she will come to regret her decision, but that's her problem to deal with, not yours. Simply remain loving and gracious.

I'd just let it go and ask your husband to get some counseling. I totally understand that this is hurtful, but it isn't exactly news that his daughter doesn't like what is going on. It is very, very, very normal for kids to want their family to become whole again. New ove interests and marriage as crushing that dream and they blame the people involved, even if that is irrational. Rather than make a big deal about it, I would tell her that it is her choice. She can come or not as she wishes. You both hope that she'll be there but you understand if she doesn't want to come. This takes the guilt-tripping out of it and also communicates that her drama is not going to stop the wedding. Family therapy would help too.

Been there, done that.

When my beloved called to make arrangements for his daughter to come up for our wedding, he was surprised to hear she was going to summer camp that week. She and her mother had known the date for months, and had never told him this was in the works. And no, she wouldn't skip a couple days of camp to come to the wedding, or go another week. In our entire marriage, I think that's the only time I ever saw him cry. Bonus points for the suckiness: to the best of our knowledge, she never went to camp ever before, or after that summer.

Fast forward 25 years, and Daughter is at his funeral wishing she had known him better.

No, don't delay. You don't even know IF she'll come around, and you'd be giving her power over the situation. Here's my suggestion for your tug-of-war: Drop the rope.

Say you're sorry she won't be there. Move on.

She's 16. She's old enough to make up her own mind. Trying to force her into attending is just going to make her push back harder.

Plus, we don't know her side of the story. She might just be a pissy little brat who's mad that she's no longer the sole focus of Daddy's attention, or she may just be moody at the idea of her dad marrying a different woman than her mom. Or, who knows, maybe her father has truly been neglecting her since you came into the picture; or maybe your own attitude is the problem. We have no way of knowing this from your post.

I don't think he should've asked you to talk to her about the wedding. Yeah, if you're going to be her step-mom then you need to communicate with her, but it wasn't fair of your fiance to have you step in and try to fix this problem. This is HIS kid and HE needs to fix it.

Your fiance should just say, "OK, honey. It would really mean a lot to me and Sally if you would be at our wedding, but if you really don't want to go then I won't force you. But just remember that Sally is going to be part of our family soon, so you need to treat her with respect. You don't have to be friends or call her Mom, but it's mandatory that you be respectful to her."

Leave the ball in her court. If she decides not to attend ... well, that's a shame, but it's not the end of the world. Again, forcing a teenager to do something will only make her fight back harder.

If you continue to be nice to her then hopefully she'll shake the chip off her shoulder and treat you like a family member.

In the meantime, it might be wise for your fiance to book a family counseling session. If your future step-daughter isn't interested in any kind of basic relationship with you, then the problems won't end with the wedding day. It's crucial that she feel comfortable in the home, and also that you and she have at least a civil relationship. You should all see a counselor together so that you learn to respect each other and develop a working relationship.

ETA: And ditto @messykatt ... I would move heaven and earth to accommodate a place for her to bring one or two friends to the wedding. Surely it's not IMPOSSIBLE for you to add one or two more people?

This is something that her father and her need to iron out. you let her know your feelings, so now you need to let him deal with his daughter.

She is still young enough to be ordered to come, but that would be very ham fisted of him to do, so best to let her decide for herself....IF she is indeed doing that. It sounds as if the girl's mother may have put some poison into her head. perhaps she is jealous that he is willing to marry you but wouldn't marry her, or maybe the daughter feels it is disloyal to her mother to attend your wedding.

as for allowing her to have a friend....your fiance should tell her that she can bring a friend. if it is about the venue and the numbers, don't worry, i have been in the wedding planning business for many years and venues always manage to squeeze in one more. plus there are always those who have last minute emergencies come up with prevent them from attending the wedding even though they had intended to come...people get sick or have car trouble or work problems, etc.

so let her bring a friend and let your fiance deal with her.

Why can't you add one more teeanger to your wedding. That is total crap. You don't really want her to be a part of the wedding. She knows it and has known it for a long time.

She's obviously decided that she wants to be a brat. He needs to explain to her the consequences of not coming and how much it means to him. There are still things that would inspire a bratty 16 year old (no college funding, taken out of will, no Christmas gifts and no support for her future wedding) . You are already way too involved, this is up to the father.