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STUCK IN THE MIDDLE!

Our story begins in the London flat shared by famed Scotland Yard detective, Sherlock Bones and Dr. Watkins. Watkins was listening to the radio singing along to his favorite oldies, but goodies station, ♫ SHA BOOM, SHA BOOM, DO DAH, DO DAH, ♫ when he began to yawn. “Guess I’d best say my prayers and turn in,” he thought to himself as he began to look for his rosary.

“OK, WHO THE HELL STOLE MY ROSARY?” he shouted loudly. “Not I,” answered Bones, as he entered the bedroom. “Drat, I’ll bet it was the new maid,” replied Watkins testily. “She looked kind of shifty eyed when I told her to be sure and get rid of the dust bunnies under the bed.”

“ELEANOR RIGBY didn’t steal your rosary, you old fool,“ replied Bones with a slight chuckle. “SOMETHING tells me it’s right where you left it.”

“And what makes you think that, Mr. Smartypants?” asked Watkins, as he took a few last puffs of his pipe. “My powers of observation, dear Watkins!” exclaimed Bones imperiously. “It’s around the neck of your TEDDY BEAR--right where you always leave it. Elementary!!”

“Um, Ok, OK, TRUE ENOUGH,” answered Watkins sheepishly. “MYSTERY SOLVED.” …. “As a matter of fact, I don’t know why you ALWAYS insist on taking that teddy bear to bed with us,” said Bones, as he climbed into bed. “ALL YOU NEED IS LOVE. Let me be your teddy bear.”

“How many years have we been together now, Watkins,” asked Bones, as he snuggled next to Watkins. “Refresh my memory.” …. “Let me see……Well, in dog years it would be 210.” answered Watkins teasingly.

“HOW MANY YEARS WOULD THAT BE IN HUMAN CALCULATION?” asked Bones somewhat impatiently. “By my powers of deduction, I would say about thirty,” answered Watkins impishly.

Loud voices coming through their paper-thin walls suddenly disturbed the lovers just as they were drifting off to sleep. “Matthew, LEAVE THAT WOMAN ALONE AND PRETEND YOU GIVE A RAT’S *** ABOUT ME,” screamed a woman’s voice.

“I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO SAY, VICKI, SO I’LL JUST SAY WHAT’S IN MY HEART,” Matthew began, hoping for the best. “STELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLA!!!” screamed the woman furiously, as she took aim and threw a lamp at him. “My name is STELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLA, not VICKIIIIIIIII!!”

“KER-RASH!“ sounded the lamp as it broke against the wall. “Ha! Ha! You missed!” shouted Matthew gleefully. “Damned pumpkins!” exclaimed Stella angrily. "YOU KNOW, IT’S OBVIOUS THE SMILING PUMPKINS you carved DISTRACTED ME!!”

“I just wanted the place to look festive for Halloween,” protested Matthew. “You know, for the Trick-or-Treaters!” …. “For the Trick-or-Treaters....or your girlfriend?? yelled Stella in response, as she picked up one of the pumpkins to heave at Matt. “I won’t miss this time!”

“NOW WHAT WOULD SUNSHINE MAC GILLICUTTY SAY, OTHER THAN THE OBVIOUS “HEE HAW, I LOVE MATT BABY?” taunted Matthew. “Who’s she?“ sneered Stella, with pumpkin in hand. “Another one of your girlfriends??”

“SHE WAS AS GRACEFUL AS A GAZELLE, WITH THE GENTLENESS OF A LAMB, AND A FACE OF A SEA TROUT,” baited Matt, “and you know I loves me some sea trout.”

Meanwhile, Sherlock turned to Dr. Watkins and said, “Those two will be at it all night. What say we take a romantic stroll through the moors?”

“I’d rather TIPTOE TROUGH THE TULIPS in the moonlight.” replied Watkins, “but since they aren’t in season, I’m willing to make do.”

Sherlock and Watkins were soon strolling through the moors when they found they had accidentally stepped off the path into a wet area of the lowlands. “Oh! I say, dear Watkins,” said Sherlock with some trepidation, “We seem to be stuck in a quagmire with no exit strategy!!”

“WHEN YOU SAY, ‘QUAGMIRE WITH NO EXIT STRATEGY,’ YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT OUR RELATIONSHIP, RIGHT?” asked Watkins somewhat apprehensively.

“No, you Ninny!“ declared Sherlock. “I mean, we are STUCK IN THE MIDDLE of the moors up to our knees, and we are sinking quickly.” …. “Do you think it would help if we held hands and sang, “GOD SAVE THE QUEEN??” asked Watkins hopefully.

It was a cold col night and i was walking down a dark alley way on my way home singing ♫ Sha boom, Sha boom, do dah,do dah ♫ when i saw my husband in a door way.

He was sat with a prostitute; She was as graceful as a gazelle,with the gentleness of a lamb and a face of a seatrout. I hated her.

She was his best friend and although he always insited she was a actually asexual, i was sure she loved him.

"Leave that woman alone and pretend you give a rat's *** about me." i shouted at him. he turned to me, looking like a deer caught in headlights and said "I don't know what to say, so I'll just say what's in my heart.........

STELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLA !!!"

that trout faced ***** was called Stella... i felt my heart break.

"how long have you been together?" i asked.

They both stumbled over their answers, mumbling something that sounded like a load of codwallop.

"How many years is that in human calculation?!!!" i screamed.

She stood up and faced me.

"we have been together longer than you think. since you said "When you say,'quagmire with no exit stragegy,' you're talking about our relationship,right?" to him when you was drunk."

That was years ago.

"and now, he is mine. So there, put THAT in your pipe and smoke it!"

i nodded slowly, raised my head into the red street light and replied "True enough. Mystery solved." as a lone tear fell onto my cheek, i said "its hard letting you go."*

I reached down and felt for the necklace he had bought me the day we got married...

"Okay. Who the hell stole my Rosary ?"

My husband gave a little chuckle...

"its long gone! we took it to the pawn shop to pay for this."

The ***** held out a big diamond monstrosity- an engagment ring.

"when!? when did you take it!?" i asked.

"halloween" the ***** replied.

"ah. that explains it. You know, it's obvious the smiling pumpkins distracted me."

DAMN. DAMN. DAMN. She took my husband when im at my weakest... halloween. Candy time of the year.

"so when is the wedding date?" i aksed politely, trying to hide my pain.

but they walked off hand in hand into the sunset.

I'll need to check with my physic advisor about that. I WILL sabotage that wedding...

Suddennly i felt a cold breath on my neck and a voice whisper "Now what would Sunshine MacGillicutty say, other than the obvious, "Hee Haw, I love MattBaby?"".

i turned around and saw the sacriest thing alive...

THE END.

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