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It was Thursday at about noon and I needed a distraction. This company sucks, they work me so hard they have made worm's meat out of me. Plus, I think my boss is an alien. It's not just me, everyone here does. In fact…yes…that would explain the UFO in my backyard. Where was I…oh that's right, being distracted? So I left work and went for a walk. There was an older woman at the restaurant who tried to hit on me. I explained that I was flattered but that I didn’t date older women. "Older?" she said, "Why I'm not a day over 27" Oh yeah lady...in people or dog years, I thought to myself. I didn’t say anything and she gave me her number and promised to call her tonight. I grabbed some lunch and on my way back to the office I passed a snake oil salesman who exalted tales of unbridled passion to the bearer of his magic potion which could be mine for the amazing, once-in-a-lifetime price of just $100. When I reached for a vile I saw a pile of empty Mountain Dew bottles under his table. "Secret elixir, huh?" I said. I finally made it back to the office and they were celebrating Judy's birthday. "Cake?" they all asked as I came in. "Sure" I said. "I think take this piece of cake of rub it directly on my hips…cut-out the middle-man." They all laughed, except Judy (I never liked her). Judy yelled out "My left hip is the bane of my existence." Like suddenly we were in some bizarre hip competition now? Then Larry asked where I had been so I told him, I just had lunch with my stalker... We spent the afternoon eating off each other's plates and discussing my fear of intimacy. He made a kind of nervous laugh and walked away. I guess it wasn’t really that funny, especially since everyone in the office knows about Larry's restraining order from that Ecuadorian maid he used to have. Well the bad news is I'm still bored, but the good news is it's almost quitting time. I wonder what's on TV tonight. I hear that Dr. Strangelove is VERY popular with the older ladies…hmmm, where's that secret elixir anyway?

The Hysterical Laughter

I just had lunch with my stalker whom I caught stalking in my backyard. We spent the afternoon eating off each other's plates and discussing my fear of intimacy. He understood my predicament and suggested that I go and see a friend of his, whom is a therapist. He told me that the doctors name is Dr.Strangelove and is VERY helpful and really into problems like mine.

On my first session, the Dr asked me about my home and the lights that has been haunting me every night. He told sightings and abductions are common in my area.” Yes. That would explain the UFO in the backyard” I thought to myself. He asked me about my job and when I told him that I think my boss is a nincompoop, he broke into a hysterical laughter. A laughter that you would only get from a lunatic. While still in his laughter, he told me his age and I asked him,” In people or dog years? And he broke into another hysterical laughter. He said the actual problem with me is that I am not afraid of intimacy but said it is because of a genetic mismatch and my left hip is the bane of my existence and I said ” Awwwww. Your name should be Twinkle Toes.”. He broke again into another hysterical laughter and offered me a secret elixir. “Secret Elixir, huh?” I questioned. He said ‘”No. it is not so secret anymore now, isn’t it? And broke into another hysterical laughter. He offered me a cake and I told him,” I think I'll take this piece of cake of rub it directly on my hips while you watch and I might just rub it anywhere else on my body for your enjoyment”.

I walked out of the office and noticed that it was not actually an office but was a room in one of the asylums.

hello my dear DR STANGELOVE is very glad to see you r good, you know what happen I JUST HAD LUNCH WITH MY STALKER and well.. WE SPEND ALL THE AFTERNOON EATING OFF EACH OTHERS PLATES AND DISCUSSING MY FEAR OF INTIMACY, what do you think i am really sick of love or i ready to love and comite the most crazy thing on my life ......

Yes im gonna merrie the Alien from mars, oh really did you notice?,yes that explain the UFO in the back yard,.

But you know want im gonna tell you a secret I THINK MY BOSS IS a big alien from mars too yes he is one of theme for sure !!!!

But i don't know how old they r , what do you think should i

ask them if they have the age on PEOPLE OR DOG YEARS?

Well i think that's not important right know what it matters is my theory that MY LEFT HIP IS THE BANE OF MY EXISTENCE yes i think is because everything goes to that side my heart , my mind even my back yard.....

You know im really scare right now i don't know how r they gonna react do you think THEY HAVE MADE WORMS MEAT FROM ME if they knew i wasn't from mars...?

Oh i get it now what you saying is that they have a SECRET ELIXIR,HUH? to turn me into an alien?... Thats new to me but no for you. AWWWWW. YOUR NAME SHOULD BE TWINKLE TOES because you r snekky and clever but well i think im ready , I THINK I'LL TAKE THIS PIECE OF CAKE OF RUB IT DIRECTLY ON MY HIPS and make love all night to my martian husband.... and by the way

thanks for listen to me all this time my Dear DR STRANGELOVE!!!

If you can use JUST those, then no. If we can put out own sentences in between, here's my best shot:

I just had lunch with my stalker... We spent the afternoon eating off each other's plates and discussing my fear of intimacy. Our conversation started off innocently. 'I think my boss is a sexagenarian," I said to her. "In people or dog years?," was her reply. I was finding her to be rather amusing. Our conversation began to shift.

"That have made worm's meat out of me," we had began to talk about my stalker's previous romances, and what drove her to start following me. "My left hip is the bane of my existence. I think I'll take this piece of cake and rub it directly on my hips."

"But what did your hips ever do to you," I asked. It was then she began telling me how she felt fat and unwanted after her previous partners left her. In the end, I offered to pay for the meal, but I doubt I will be calling her any time soon.

That's 6, I think.

Dr. Stangelove is very persistent, he thinks i have manomungeal disease, which makes you cough, that's not the worst, when you cough you sound like a parrot squawking. It is so embarrassing but beneficial sometimes too, like i just had lunch with my stalker, his name is Celery B Crunchy,i know that is a silly name, but we think it fits, we spent the afternoon eating off of others plates in the resturant, and discussing my fear of intimacy, when I coughed, he said he could not stalk me anymore. Now I'm not flighty, nor am i very grounded, which i relate directly to my experience of finding a ufo in the back yard last week. I think my parrot cough sort of called the aliens in, Yes, that WOULD explain the UFO in the back yard. So i asked the aliens, who have made worms meat of me, many times, to go experiment on others, My parrot cough has made me very red at times. I think my boss is a cockatoo, because he called me in his office and said, awwww your name should be twinkle toes, and winked at me, and i ran out of his office squawking, well, like a parrot. I flapped my arms jumped over Celery B. Crunch's desk, and landed right on beak, Oh you do not know what it is like to have this terrible disease called manomungeal.... so far as doctor strangelove says, it is not contagical, nor is it everything it seems to be. He would run tests but testing on animals is not allowed. The only advice the good doctor has given me about this most embarrassing cough, is to repeat everything everyone says to me. Do you think it will work?

10. In my native land we'd call this form of element, undesirable voodoo. 9. Do you even know the place Hoboken is? 6. Uhhhh, 25 blocks isn't purely around the corner. 4. howdy... Sponge Bob! the place do you think of you're going? 12. ok.you are able to save the femur, yet i choose the cranium. Capice? 8. howdy!! it might bruise the hell out of me...... this is all i'm asserting. a million. Oh my GAWD!!!! what's next....... Paranormal visits from the three Stooges?!! 7. I have no reaction to that actual inane remark of yours. 2. For i'm.......... Spartacus !! 3. i'm sinking right into a melancholy purely Hamlet and Woody Allen might comprehend. eleven. lovable, yet paranoid. 5. finally!! this finished element is getting into concentration.

yes