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Marshal Dillon received a letter all about _Miss Kitty Russell___. He was appalled! When he spoke to _Doc Adams____ about it, HE said, "Matt....If I were you I would probably__go tell her about it______." Matt looked at him and exclaimed: "__I'm not gonna tell her, YOU tell her_____."

While mulling it over he decided to go to __The Longbranch____. It was there that the _most practical____ advice he had ever heard was offered to him by _Festus____.

Just then _Sunshine MacGillicutty__ came storming into the room.

Matt jumped up, with a __smile___on his face and said, "___Hey, Baby__________."

_Sunshine__suggested that he simply __blurt it out______. Problem solved. Matt was so happy that he _got that off his chest____.

Miss Kitty threw her hands up in the air and screamed, "_Is that ALL? Another silly rabbit died? How does that concern ME?___."

Marshal Dillon received a letter all about dog. He was appalled! When he spoke to his brother about it, HE said, "Matt....If I were you I would probably move house." Matt looked at him and exclaimed: "shut up."

While mulling it over he decided to go to the vets. It was there that the greatest advice he had ever heard was offered to him by a rabbit

Just then his mum came storming into the room.

Matt jumped up, with a smile on his face and said, "Get out."

his mum suggested that he simply cut down on the dogs food. Problem solved. Matt was so happy that he fainted.

Miss Kitty threw her hands up in the air and screamed, "Look theres a bear."

Marshal Dillon received a letter all about Festus. He was appalled! When he spoke to Doc about it, HE said, "Matt....If I were you I would probably talk to Festus directly." Matt looked at him and exclaimed: "Good idea, Doc."

While mulling it over he decided to go to Festus. It was there that the best advice he had ever heard was offered to him by Festus -- "let well enough alone and bygones be bygones."

Just then Miss Sunshine came storming into the room.

Matt jumped up, with a BIG SMILE on his face and said, "Let's go have a picnic."

Festus suggested that he simply have a nice day. Problem solved. Matt was so happy that he picked Sunshine up in both hands and kissed her face.

Miss Kitty threw her hands up in the air and screamed, "How come you don't like me as much as Sunshine?"

Marshal Dillon received a letter all about lovemaking (threesome). He was appalled! When he spoke to his best friend about it, HE said, "Matt....If I were you I would probably take advantage of the opportunity and try the threesome." Matt looked at him and exclaimed: "whooow!! marshal you are such a freak."

While mulling it over he decided to go to bedroom. It was there that the sex pleaseure and advice he had ever heard was offered to him by marshal and the hooker.

Just then he's girfreind came storming into the room.

Matt jumped up, with a bra on his face and said, "baby it's not what you think it is."

Marshal suggested that he simply invite the girlfreind to join them in bed. Problem solved. Matt was so happy that he was able to sleep with all of them at the same time.

Miss Kitty threw her hands up in the air and screamed, "oooh yesssssss...am cumming."

Marshal Dillon received a letter all about Britney Spears going Commando.

He was appalled! When he spoke to Lt. Dan aka Matt_about it, HE said, "Matt....If I were you I would probably get Dirty Harry onto this." Matt looked at him and exclaimed: "Harry is our man with the plan!"

While mulling it over he decided to go to The Mess Room.

It was there that the best advice he had ever heard was offered to him by Boris The Swedish Chef.

Just then Dirty Harry came storming into the room.

Matt jumped up, with a smirkon his face and said, "About damn time Harry!"

Dirty Harry suggested that he simply should give Britney a chastity belt with an alarm so whenever Brtiney tried to take her knickers off again and alarm would go off to alert the authorities. Problem solved. Matt was so happy that he took Harry out for drinks.

Miss Kitty threw her hands up in the air and screamed, "MY KITTY IS DAMN PRETTY!"

Marshal Dillon received a letter all about the shortage of liquid natural gas, He was appalled! When he spoke to Mr Methane about it, HE said, "Matt....If I were you I would probably fart" Matt looked at him and exclaimed: "hand me the beans."

While mulling it over he decided to go to all in a jar. It was there that the best advice he had ever heard was offered to him by Mr Methane.

Just then martha came storming into the room.

Matt jumped up, with a dingleberry on his face and said, "sorry"

martha suggested that he simply spray some freshner and clean his pants. Problem solved. Matt was so happy that he farted.

Miss Kitty threw her hands up in the air and screamed, "pig."

Marshal Dillon received a letter all about his county deciding to prohibit hammer pants. He was appalled! When he spoke to his best friend's sister's first cousin's boyfriend's brother, about it, HE said, "If I were you I would probably just wear them hammer pants just to f-in piss them off." Matt looked at him and exclaimed: "I already got in big trouble for wearing my assless chaps last week."

While mulling it over he decided to go to the town hall and flaunt his bright mauve and silver glitter hammer pants. It was there that the worst advice he had ever heard was offered to him by some crackhead laying under a bench.

Just then his own mama came storming into the room.

Matt jumped up, with a scared look on his face and said, "Mama..I'm just standing up for myself like you always taught me."

Mama suggested that he simply just switch to skin-tight leopard print leotards. Problem solved. Matt was so happy that he urinated submissively.

Mama threw her hands up in the air and screamed, "Oh GEEZUS..you are 40 years old! How long do I have to keep mopping the floor up after you??!"

Marshal Dillon received a letter all about Matt Dillon's agent getting angry at him for changing his name from Matt Damon to Matt Dillon (in an attempt to associate himself with the less-out-of-work actor). He was appalled! When he spoke to Kevin Smith about it, HE said, "Matt....If I were you I would probably give up Dillon's name and just do a sex scene with another male actor, perhaps Ben Affleck or that guy who plays Silent Bob." Matt looked at him and exclaimed: "No way, look at what it did to Heath Ledger's career! Besides I have sex with Ben all the time for real." He was truly torn.

While mulling it over he decided to go to Mooby's for a super-egg-a-Mooby-muffin. It was there that the most enlightening advice he had ever heard was offered to him by Silent Bob, who said "..." (nothing -- well, he IS Silent Bob) then pointed to the script for Clerks III.. then pointed down. That nothing Bob had said, was just enough to fill Matt's head to the brim with ONE idea! He kneeled to pray... so to speak.

Just then Ben Affleck came storming into the room.

Matt jumped up, with a bit of Bob on his face and said, "HE MADE ME DO IT! HE'S GIVING ME A JOB!"

But Ben saw quite the opposite, and they began to argue and sissy-fight.

Bob suggested that they (Ben and Matt) simply finish the job TOGETHER before he drops them from the cast of Clerks-III, the only movie opportunity they have now (by pointing at each of them, then pointing down). They got the message.

Problem solved.

Matt was so happy that he swallowed hard and smiled for the camera, securing a job at last!

Somewhere in the background, Miss Kitty threw her hands up in the air and screamed, "CAN I BE AN EXTRA!?!"

Marshal Dillon received a letter all about __carpet cleaning _______. He was appalled! When he spoke to ___Bubba__ about it, HE said, "Matt....If I were you I would probably____f uck it________." Matt looked at him and exclaimed: "_______What the hell?_______."

While mulling it over he decided to go to _go get him a hoe_________. It was there that Bubba's___ advice he had ever heard was offered to him by __pure wit________.

Just then __Bubba_________ came storming into the room.

Matt jumped up, with a __horrified look___on his face and said, "_________Holy Sh it!____."

______Bubba____suggested that he simply _____Fuc ked it________. Problem solved. Matt was so happy that he _____Had sex with his hoe_____.

Miss Kitty threw her hands up in the air and screamed, "____Jesus MARY AND JOSEPH!_______________."

Hillary Clinton stepped up to the mic to announce she'd singlehandedly re-written (and ratified) the Constitution (or CUTE - Clinton United Team Effort, as she'd now nicknamed the once revered document). The world was going to be a better place with her in charge of the USA! As the tv cameras were rolling, one NBC exec said to another, "I want some of whatever she's on. Not one person has objected so far!" Just then Hillary's twin walked out of the crowd and approached her. Hillary laughed and said, "Hey, great look! But this is a new world. You slept with my husband - no vote for you! The only arena you'll be heard in is the bedroom." The well-dressed, much-surgeried "clone" looked at her with an expression of bright-eyed wonder and said, "I don't have to vote - I just wanna be YOU!" That night on ALL the Liberal news shows, the lead story was: "CUTE Cheers as Clinton Clone Chosen Chief of Staff" On the ONE Republican network, the lead story was: "Clinton Conked on Head or Coked Up? YOU Decide" (: