Why don’t I like intimacy with him anymore?

6 months ago I asked my friend if we could start experimenting but no sex.

So recently I decided that we should have sex and i was happy to lose my virginity to him since he’s my best friend. I asked him and he said we would have to wait until he got his own place. Eventually after though I told him I wasn’t ready anyways and he never asked me out like I wanted him to regardless. I thought our intimacy would bring us closer together and I thought the entire time that he had feelings for me.

Well today I had a talk with him and I finally asked if he had feelings for me. I had just started realizing that I didn’t like the thought of kissing him anymore and I didn’t like kissing him physically either. I just felt disgusted and I hated myself for it not knowing why. He said he wasn’t sure especially since he was trying to figure himself out financially and get his life together, but he admitted to liking me and the past. I even said I was happy that we were on the same page now since I was confused.

I then perform oral on him and didnt like it I had seen his penis once before but I didn’t like it so he put it away and we did other things. But if I’m so ready for all of this why don’t I enjoy doing these things with him anymore? I get chills down my spine when I see him and I love him dearly as my friend but I end up getting disgusted anytime he kisses me and I was when I performed oral on him. But here’s the thing I wasn’t when he did things to me which I guess makes sense.

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