I am an ex-military spouse of 10 years…I’m 33. I married at 19 and moved away. I have always been depressed. Was made fun of as a kid, was not popular in high school and always just wanted to feel accepted so to speak…anyways, I divorced 3 years ago. My ex was arrogant and treated me like a child rather than equal. I built up a lot of animosity towards him and left. I have 2 beautiful children and don’t want to leave them. My ex has kept them from me for over 3 years now. Recently I have been seeing them on a regular basis and that’s one of the reasons why I am scared to disappear. I don’t know. Within the past 3 years I have been raped, used, robbed, bullied and so forth. I gave up my career to move home…I ended up getting hired in a new career field and also helped my best friend of 23 years by getting her hired with another company, in the same field, she got me fired and we are no longer friends. I can’t do this anymore! I don’t want to be here. I don’t know where I want to be though…so basically within the past couple of years I lost my job due to the drama queen nature of my used to be best friend, I no longer have a relationship with my brother because he stole from me, along with some other issues, my parents were never really parents, and I don’t have any friends. I have been with my boyfriend for 8 months, we live together (have known each other 3 years), and within the past couple of months he does not want anything to do with me sexually and tells me that this is the only time that has happened to him. My unemployment just ran out, I have 1.90 in my bank account. My rent is due today, my electric is getting shut off tomorrow, and I have a few other bills that are past due and due making my debt even higher. I’ve tried seeking assistance from both the state and local organizations and nobody will help…I don’t want to do this anymore. I am stressed out beyond belief and everybody thinks that I am a joke. I’ve hinted suicide and am just laughed at. I want to do it to show them I am not a joke (and at the same time relieving my agony), but I can’t bring myself to do it. I feel extremely unwanted and hopeless. All I’ve ever wanted was to be loved and accepted…so how do I make all of this go away without any pain?
Update:Wow…I honestly wasn’t expecting any replies, thank you all for taking the time to help me, I truly appreciate it and I can’t stop crying. The problem is that I cannot get help. I have tried numerous organizations and they either have lack of funds, or my city is out of boundaries. In regards to the comment left by Laura, I never pleaded innocence. There are a lot of things I could have done differently in life. I just don’t know how to “fix” it. It just feels as though one bad thing after another are constantly piling up and right when things seem like they’re going well, I am struck by something even worse…I mentally cannot handle it anymore. My boyfriend helps out as much as he can, but lately I have become a joke to him as well…I am so overwhelmed and it’s making me an emotional wreck. I just want it to go away.
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This is not something that you want to hear, but you need to hear it.
The only thing I see in here is you blaming other people for things that you have had a part in. yes, it might be part their fault, but it is also a part yours. I can understand getting raped, robbed and taken advantage of in that manner, but anything else I can't help but think that you had some part in. If I were you, I would take a step back and really look at things. Once I realize that I did something wrong, I can begin to forgive myself and learn to move forward.
Think of the people that you see every day. Imagine how you would feel if they killed themselves. Now imagine all of these people at your funeral. I couldn't stand seeing that many people being sad over me.
I used to cut. I thought about suicide and even decided on a few methods, and was casually gathering the supplies. I heard this from a friend and it woke me up. She told me that I was constantly blaming other people for things that I had a part in and that I needed to take responsibility for it. Once i realized these things, I began to forgive myself for the mistakes that i had made. obviously I didn't do it, I threw everything away. I haven't cut in almost 3 years.
Don't think of ending it. You're still young and have got lots of years ahead of you to sort things out. I'm surprised that no one is helping you out in real life, but when it comes to your financial situation, maybe you just need to ask your other relatives for some help.. Any other siblings or aunts or uncles to ask from if you have any? Is your boyfriend helping either to pay? For now keep on searching for more jobs. Eventually you'll get hired. I'm sorry that no one believes you when you're suicidal. But please, instead of showing them that you aren't joking by doing it, how about you prove them all wrong and continue living? Who knows, in a couple of years all those people who treated you poorly will regret it. Trust me, even if in real life you feel unwanted, I care and so does everyone else who answered this. Besides your financial problem, forget about the past. You have so many decades left to become happy, please don't give up that opportunity by leaving. If you've been so depressed for a very long time, you should either talk about your problems to someone else you can trust or just face what is bothering you, and try to fight back at it. Don't stress too much, maybe you're just overwhelmed with so all of this. Never think of suicide though, your problem can be temporary - but suicide cannot. Call a hotline or visit http://www.imalive.org/ .
Honey, everybody has tough times. I am very sorry that you are going through all of this. Just know that it is absolutely impossible to die from such. You have to be dedicated to happiness. If you allow yourself to become happy, it will happen. How old is your boyfriend? Is he around your age? If he is, it is completely normal for good sex drive to be lower than usual. It isn't you. You have your children to live for. Your children and your boyfriend are your friends right now. Use them to motivate you. Get out there and get financial help from organizations. Through those organizations you will meet new people and make new friends. This is just one big slump and if you allow yourself, you can only get stronger from it. There is no point in causing yourself pain. Just get out there. Relax a little and realize all the things that you have to live for. The fact that you are an entire human being with a mind and heart and soul is amazing in itself. Watch the sunset or the sunrise and just reflect on how great life really is and can be. I promise it can get great for you.
Please stay strong! Please! I know how you feel! I hate myself and I hate everything around me and I just want to die. But we have to have some hope that there's more in life for us. We will get passed this and we will survive. We just have to stay strong throughout the bad parts in life to get to the good. Think about all the good times you will have with your children. Be the parent to your children that your parents never were. You want to get older and see your children get married and you want to become a grandma. I know how shitty it feels when you've hinted at suicide and people shrug it off. The thing is no one wants to deal with that so they instead pretend its not real. Please just stay with us and I promise everything will be alright. Can your boyfriend pay rent until you can get back up on your feet? And please don't do anything to yourself to prove anything to anyone. Believe me, I wish I could do that to see how ******* guilty they'll feel after all the **** they have put me through but in the end, we will be the one's dead. They will live their life but we will have no life to live. As you can see, I've used plural tenses because we are both fighting a battle against ourselves and I support you and I believe in you. Please stay strong.
Damn sorry to here this i feel your pain. Life throws challenges every which way but you got to keep pushing through. I know it sounds corny but you gotta think as to how you can go through these obstacles. Any other work around your area or anything? Im feeling your pain just by reading this post and i believe that you can find a way to get through this. Any chance you get go for it. Please dont do anything to harm yourself or any other thing please.
Pray to GOD he will help you.