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You're frighteningly underweight. Have you spoken with a therapist? it might be helpful. Along with this perhaps a nutritionist (NOT a dietitian). A nutritionist can talk with you about your idea weight and help you greatly. And you might want to consider some strengthening exercises. Don't overdo it, 20 minutes a day, 4X a week is plenty at the beginning. There are all sorts of strengthening exercises you can do at home. Check YouTube.

If you gain weight, you're not going to look "fat". And if you have a nutritionist, therapist and doctor helping you, they aren't going to encourage you to become fat. No way.

You can do this!

Do you have parents? Have they not noticed that you look like the walking dead? You need to talk to them and not ask strangers on the internet for help. And they need to get you to a doctor who will then probably get you to a therapist and nutritionist to try to get this under control.

You need medical help, and the advice a of a dietician, and some therapy. You could gain 40 lbs and still not look remotely fat.

If you are anorexic, then you NEED to gain weight. You say you want help, but then in the same sentence you admit that you don't want help.

Talk t your doctor.

You need to gain weight. You need to see a doctor and get evaluated. You need to find out how badly you've damaged your body and how to get better.

You do that by eating, there's really no trick to it. You have a problem in which you think food is an enemy or a problem. It's not. You should get professional help with your problem, because it's tough.

I own an anorexic restaurant called (THE EMPTY PLATE) lmao