First of all, I´m sorry if I seem like a psycho, please understand that this is really affecting me.

We met when we were in first grade (6 years old, his birthday is in september and mine in november).

During this period until we turned 14, we were really good friends. We talked a lot, we were always very similar and we always kind of understood each other without having to speak. Around the time we turned 14 or 15, things started getting awkward. We stopped talking as we used to and we kind of had this extreme awkwardness between us, like a big awkward tension. Our families and our friends noticed this and everyone in our school knew that there was something weird going on between us.

We grew up and I started liking other boys and he started going out with girls, but whenever we saw each other, the tension was there again, our friends mocking us because we wouldn´t get together and the awkwardness too.

When we finished high school, I started studying Literature and I became friends with a girl I met in college. One time she invited me to her house, I went, and I saw him. They had been dating for a year. Talk about awkwardness there. He always seems to get quiet when he sees me, or uncomfortable or just nervous. I continued going to her house and being friends with her. They fought a lot because he cheated on her repeatedly with many different girls. Finally, they broke up for good.

I left that carreer and I moved away from that small neighborhood where I grew up and where I met him. Now, I´m 24 years old, I live in a big city, I´m close to graduation as an art historian, I have many friends and meet many great guys.

I found out through some old friends that his mother left the family and they never saw her again, that he graduated as a sports teacher, that he still lives where he used to and that he works in a supermarket. We grew up and now our lives are the oposite. We haven´t seen each other in almost 5 years. Still, I know that if we saw each other now, that tension and that attraction would still be here.

I loved him with all my heart, so much that it hurt. It actually hurt to miss him. It was unconditional love, at least on my side, because I honestly don´t really care if he loves me back. I just want to love him, take care of him, kiss him, spoil him and live next to him. With my body close to his. It´s kind fo scary actually because sometimes I think that I would give up anything just to be with him. I´d give up my career, my job, my dreams, everything, just to be with him. I would even let him use me if he wants.

I met a lot of great guys and I can´t really love any of them as I loved him. I have to pretend they interest me, I have to force it. With him, it was natural. As if it was destiny.

I always wanted to make love to him. We never actually got to it. We never even kissed. And now I´m 24 years old and I´m still a virgin because I just can´t bring myself to have sex with a man I don´t love. I just want to see him once more. I want to make love with him and then he can leave if he wants. I know that would hurt anyway.

Maybe some of you think that this only existed in my mind and maybe a lot of it actually did. But some of ti is also true. I knew he loved me back. Everyone told me so. He was the only one who never did. Everybody always told us that no matter what we did or what our age was, we would end up together.

Sometimes I get this "I miss him so much it hurts" attacks (like today) and I was thinking that maybe I could talk to him on facebook or something. I could also talk to some of my old friends (they are also his friends) so that it wouldn´t look too obvious. I honestly don´t know what to do. I would also like to forget about him and fall in love with a new guy and have a healthy, normal, equal relationship. But than I think that if I feel so strongly about him, and there´s all this passion between us, it has to mean something.

Please help me, what should I do? Should I contact him? I don´t want to be an old lady, look back and think "but what if I had called him?"

Or should I just try to get over him? his memory haunts me anyway.....