Mother's a pig— a swine.
Sister's a brat, disrespectful and exceedingly obnoxious for a ten-year-old child. Father has been a moral supporter all this time (Thank you, Dad ♥).
I have 2 friends. I am a loser.
I have no job. I am ugly (half-man half-girl). I've been bullied. I've been sexually abused. I am short (4'10").
Family disapproves altogether of my presence.
I am starting college but would rather die (Fool's way out, I know).
I want to change the physical features I dislike about myself but my family has been living on welfare— (maybe I could get said surgery in the next 15 years..)
Everywhere I go, these people all act normal. (I repeat: façade).
They all walk casually. I walk in fear, in paranoia. I cannot defend myself should a 10x bigger-than-me man try to take hold of me once again. I cannot breathe. I cannot stand. With nostrils flared, I hold my breath. Therapy + physicians won't help; it's all in the Mind. Paralyzed and tense, now and forevermore (you ungrateful nineteen-year-old child, you).
I am horrible. Always negative.
Never "feminine" nor do I willingly choose to be (/ personally associate as being feminine/girly as weak, therefore susceptible to rape).
Overall, I don't like my life. There are a myriad of things I would like to change but can not, due to my family's finiancial status but I won't push them to the brink. No. I adore each and every single one of them dearly even if they don't reciprocate the same towards me.
I would, in all honesty, be done with it, my Lord. Would His Highness do His child the favor of taking her home now please?I am done with this foolishness.
Update:I never intended to receive a response to my current state of mind. I have no where else to turn to nor anyone closest to me to hear my plea. I sought after answers.yahoo.com as a personal way to vent, and if this frustrates you, then I am sorry.
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I would love to talk to you. I would take you away, to bring you here. I am in your boat. This Christmas, I got diagnosed with hypothyroidism. The symptoms of that are stunted growth, a horrible metabolism, and some other stuff a lot worse, like comma, and possible death. I have also been raped when I was younger, and I do not dress girly for the same reason. So therefore I am a short, fat freshman in college. I hate it because I walk around staring at these tiny tiny girls walking with insane buff guys. Then there are the ones who give you a glare... I almost have a siezure then and there. I'm so sorry about what you are going through. I would love to talk some more if you do too. Just remember that you can always find another friend in life. My best friend is my only friend, but I can always make more, and so can you.
DON'T kill yourself, first of all. Even though it seems as if no one cares about you, the people around you actually do care about you and would be very sad if you died, let alone killed yourself. I too feel as if I have nowhere to vent, so I stick with screaming into my pillow. Being feminine doesn't always mean being weak, I am so sorry you were raped and this happened to you and I will not say it because I absolutely HATE it when people tell me life goes on. Have you tried medication for anxiety? That might help. In no way is suicide the "Fool's way out". It doesn't mean you're weak, it means you have horrible impossible poblems in life to deal with. I wish the best of luck upon you. No "God bless" from me, stubborn atheist that I am. Many people in your life love you, don't EVER forget! <3
EDIT: "You know deep down you are okay" Now that is just arrogant and rude and infuriating this person obviously has no idea what you're going through don't listen to them it's people like them who are the reason depression goes unnoticed and unchecked and underrated and brushed off like it's no big deal.
EDIT: My heart goes out to you and those with similar stories:(
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You know deep down you are ok. :)