Why it’s hard to reciprocate being nice to a Married man when deep inside, I’m feeling the same?

I guess the reason for this one was that I saw some quality from my HR manager’s personalities that I’m not seeing in my spouse since I got married. When I was young, I always dreamed of my future husband to be in a White collar job because I came from that type of family where I can see my Mom helping my Dad tie his necktie, help him choose the best professional suit so my Dad looks great in the office. But when I get married, I end up with an outdoor person who never dress professional except on special occasions because he’s working as an outdoor person who’s jobs is to deal with nature so he needs to have at least a rugged clothes as he’s always in the field.

Not only that, I’m the one that support most our family’s expenses because my spouse job is not a high paying job compare to my Dad who’s bringing the big pay to my Mom to support the family. For the first few years of being married I thought its okay but deep inside, I get sick & tired of being the Head of the family. I try to talked to my husband about this few times if he can find another job that would me feel like I can rely on him on our needs but until now , we’re still stuck with the same situation . So that might be the reason why I can’t stop liking my HR manager even if he’s married because he got most of the qualities that I want from a Partner other than he’s married and I’m married. The more I think about my HR manager , the more I tend to have less feelings towards my husband except Self Pity towards him that’s why I can’t hurt him because I felt guilty. I know it easy for anybody to advise, STOP talking with married man if you’re married itself but if you as a woman want a little bit color in your life , I guess there’s no wrong in fantasizing other man too as long as there’s no string attached and it’s only fantasy just to make you feel like Alive! Man does that one too. But fantasizing someone does help me uplift my feelings because I’m less grumpy when I got home, I don’t expect to much from my husband because I got the satisfaction already of being happy at work So if admiring Married man is improperly then I guess all woman are miserable never mind Hypocrites for telling the world that since their married that they will never intend to like someone other than their husband.