I feel dead & i want to die but im scared ? Like nothing is real ¬hing ever was?

I felt like this is 9th grade (2 years ago) I tried to kill myself by taking a **** load of pills but I didnt know that the body could handle so much and that you actually had to put thought into taking pills to kill yourself...soooo yeahhhh, all it did was make my sleep for a LONG time & puke in my sleep all over myself, yeah . groooss.

anyways I have that feeling again. sad all the time & just idk. i dont feel real & i feel like i want to die but not really like... idk i feel like i dont want to die but i want to be happy you know? but since it doesnt seem like ill ever be happy again that all there is to die so i do want to die.... does it make since??

well alots happened, my grandpa died and alot of guy problems & no friends.

9 guys used me over the course of like, 5 or 6 months. (had sex & they started ignoring me) so then i started hooking up with people I didnt even know (still dont know there names) at like parties and stuff and i get high and drunk whenever i can and have sex with anyone who wants it because these things make me feel better but when i think back on the guiys ive been with i feel like "wow..that feels like it didnt really happen" but it did....i dont know:/ its like that whenever i think back on anything in my life... i forget what day it is alot and constantyl have the thought "i hate myself' going through my mind

but like is this just teenager stuff ? like i said i was like this when i was 14 but i was ok at 15 & 16 and now um 17 & feel like the only thing left to do is die but im so scared of dying like i said really i just want someone to love me and for me to be happy but thats not going to happen so dying is better than being alone all the time

& dont say "make friends" thats so stupid of people to say. if it was that easy i would just make friends & not be like this.

what can i do? & againnn, is it normal?

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