We were inseparable before we had our daughter. I am 22 and he is 25. We were only together a few months before I got pregnant but now we live in our own home and things haven’t been the same. He leaves for work at 6 am and comes home around 4 or so, exhausted, and is bombarded with helping me with chores. I have no family to help me during the day so it has been rough. I feel like we never talk anymore, never connect, and we haven’t slept in the same bed since she’s been born (our bedroom was way too cold for baby so I have her bassinet in the living room and I sleep on the couch. He goes to slee around 8 pm for work so we don’t have much time to do anything together. I feel like there’s always tension between us even though we rarely argue. I just feel like we are drifting a part :( what can I do at home to show him I still love him and appreciate him? I have bipolar as well so when I am upset it is very hard for me to open up so on nights that we argue we never make up before we both sleep then I don’t see him all day and the cycle repeats.
Answers & Comments
Having a baby is a huge disruption to any relationship and the fact that you did it too young and while managing mental illness just makes the situation even harder. The trick to not growing apart when you're parents is to have a babysitter on speed dial and to schedule regular date nights. If you're never able to spend any time together of course your relationship is going to suffer.
YOU have created the distance between you.
You have ONE baby in the home. While babies are exhausting, once they are sleeping through the night, they are no longer an excuse for parents to not be able to keep up the home... NO child requires constant supervision. There is ample time in the day to prepare food, clean up after and do any other tidying the house may need. You are mistaken if you think you should have help during the day.
Instead of turning up the heat, or putting an extra blanket on the baby, you've chosen to sleep on the couch? Ok.. but remember, that's YOUR choice.
I'll be blunt here -- you rushed into this. Not sure why you decided to have a baby only a few months into the relationship, but you didn't have ANY sort of grounding for a stable long-term relationship, much less a marriage and children Very likely you were still in the early part of the romance (when couples are OFTEN 'inseparable') -- and if it wasn't for the pregnancy and baby, you would likely have grown apart and split -- as couples often do. Few 20-21 year olds are ready to marry their current loves.
A cold bedroom is just an excuse for not sleeping together. Sounds like what you NEED to do is be honest with each other. This isn't a relationship, and getting married (when's the wedding scheduled?) won't make it one. Plenty of single mothers raise children, and since you aren't spending any time together anyway, you may as well BE a single mother.
So you need to decide -- honestly -- if this is something you really want to pursue. If you do -- head for the courthouse and get married. If he balks at that, or you do -- you do not want to be married, so no point in playing house. Then, you talk to each other. You sleep together. You WORK on making it work.
What to do? Set aside a time when he gets home that you DON'T bombard him with chores. Use it to talk to him about his day, and to talk about yours. Relax for a while. After dinner perhaps spend some time together with the chores.
Make sure you have a good handle on your bi-polar. The hormonal changes can affect the way your medication works. Have a doctor review your medication/therapy and make sure the type and doses are right for you at this stage of your life. You are medicated for it, aren't you? If not perhaps considering if doing so is worthwhile even if it means you can't breastfeed once on it.
Buy a baby monitor so you can still hear the baby if she needs you and you can return to the marital bed. That will help somewhat too, I suspect. The intimacy of sharing a sleeping place makes a world of difference.
Also do what you can during the day to keep the house tidy.
Its easier to put a few things away straight away than wait for a pile to form. Then it can look daunting.
Doing the dishes a few times a day than leaving it to pile up as well.
Sort washing as it comes out so loads can be done every day, rather than once a week. .
Plan a menu/meal plan for the week and buy the groceries to suit. Make one meal that can go for two days. Like have a roast meat meal, make sandwiches from the meat for lunch and use the meat a different way for the next dinner. Have pantry/freezer items for emergencies or when you are too tired to cook. Or cook in batches and freeze some for quick meals when you don't have time otherwise.
I am a Mum too, had 4 kids - at one time I had 1 in school and two pre-schoolers and a baby. So I do know what it is like to have a little one at home and how hard it cope sometimes. But doing your bit at home makes his homecoming a lot more pleasant. It takes some planning and commitment, but it can be done.
Talk to him.
1. It's "apart", not "a part".
2. You have "bipolar disorder", not "bipolar".
3. Talk with him about it. You're both in this together, right? It's not your job to take care of him or make him feel loved and appreciated, it's BOTH your jobs to do that for each other.
You should discuss this with him. Start with explaining the changes you've noticed, why they concern you, and what you would like to do to reverse the trend. If he is in agreement with you and cares about you and your child, he should be willing to work with you toward strengthening your relationship.